i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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