Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
