You don't have asthma, your pregnant
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
