I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
