And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
