I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
