Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
