I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
