My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
