Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I did not marry a roomba.
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