I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
