I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
