I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
