I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
