Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just invented taco cereal.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
