If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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