sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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