Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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