I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
