Don't you send me to vm
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
