Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
