i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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