You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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