time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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