I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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