im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
