I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
