I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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