Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
