final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
