so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
