I met the friendliest cop last night
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
