i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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