If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize