I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
