I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize