I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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