i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
