The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize