I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
