i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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