At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
