My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
