He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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