you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
