so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
