i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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