How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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