people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize