it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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