sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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