his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
