just tell him i said nine months
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
