You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
