Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
