dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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