im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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