I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
