maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i love accidental penises.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
