So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
